Next time won't you snore with me

Do you have trouble sleeping? I can help.

I've just been interviewed by the alphabet. Yes, the alphabet. This is not the sort of thing that happens to me every day. So I'm feeling like a bit of a smug jerk right now.

The interview was arranged by the lovely lionness Frankie Parker and the talented meerkat Christine. Since my life is considerably less exciting than theirs, if you read to the end of the transcript, you'll be snoring like a baby in no time flat.

Warming up for Zzzz...

ANORAK: Do you have a sad side? 

Yes, I make jam. No, I'm not your grandmother.  

BODY: What physical attribute would you most like to change? 

I'd shave my head to save on the hassle of brushing. But then I'd look silly. Er, sillier. 

CELEBRITY: Which one would you most like to date and why? 

Roger Rabbit. He makes me laugh. 

DEBUT: What made you start blogging? 

The voices in my head won the war against common sense. 

ERROR: What's your biggest regret?

I regret all those cakes in shop windows that I walked straight on by without stopping. 

FUNNY: Who makes you laugh?

Roger Rabbit, see exhibit C. 

GRAND: If we gave you one how would you spend it?

I could buy a lot of cake with a grand. It would be worth it. 

HOLIDAY: What's your favourite destination?

The Mayan Riviera. It's like heaven, with extra sunshine. 

IRRITATE: What's your most annoying habit? 

Jamming, see A.

JOKER: What's your favourite joke. 

I like to call people from Brussels 'Brazilians'. You sleeping yet?

KENNEL: Do you have any pets. 

Two monkeys. 

LOVE: Are you single, married, etc?

Married to the best guy ever.  

NOW: If you could be anywhere right now where would you be and who with?

See H and L. 

OFF DUTY: What do you do in your spare time? 

See A and I. 

PROUD MOMENTS: What are you most proud of? 

I was quite proud of my eldest when said: "Wake up Mama" as I sat here typing. Wise girl. 

QUEASY: What turns your stomach? 

Mayonnaise. It's like albino boogers. 

RELAX: How do you relax?

Meh?

SONG: What's your favourite song?

Unclouded Day. Haven't got Papa's version on record, so here's Willie Nelson.

TIME: If you could go back in time and relive it again when would you choose?

My time in utero. It must have been relaxing. 

You probably saw this coming. 

UNKNOWN: Tell us something about yourself that nobody else knows?

I have no idea. Do you?

VOCAL: Who's your favourite artist?

Papa. 

WORK: What's your dream job?

Dreaming, not jobbing. 

XRAY: Any broken bones?

A warped sense of humour for which the prognosis is poor.

YIKES: What's your most embarrassing moment? 

Being born was pretty awkward. Sorry Mom. 

ZOO: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

I'd be one of those primates that flings poo at tourists when they get too close. 

Here's a no obligation tag to the talented ladies behind Moomser and Scandinavian Sojourn to get interviewed by the alphabet (only should they want to).

Sweet dreams interwebs.