Monday, 28 November 2011

Lost in a virgin forest

What were humans like before the internet (BI)? Can you remember? I didn't think so.

But I can help. You see, I've been conducting cutting-edge, ground-breaking, in-depth analysis on this issue - dropping bombshells and all kinds of bad reportage clichés.

Return to nature. 
My research project was sponsored by my internet service provider. By "sponsored" I mean they went and spent all their pocket money on marketing and had none left in the kitty for engineers.

Bless them - they appear to be perpetual first-timers. And we're all rubbish our first time, right?

So I spent a week - that's right an entire week - with no Octonauts. Not even that fake-pirate one, Kwazii.

My field research indicates that when not wholly occupied with beating up Neanderthals and making mastadon casserole, BI Woman and BI Child partook in the following activities:
  1. Denial. 
  2. Anger.
  3. Bargaining. 
  4. Depression. 
  5. Wandering aimlessly.
  6. Collecting leaves. 
  7. Bickering. 
  8. Discovering a wonderful secret urban gardens. 
  9. Hunting for fairies.
  10. Locating fairies.
  11. Smiling. 
  12. Octonauts? What octonauts? 
  13. Returning in high spirits. 
  14. Drifting into a contented sleep. 
  15. Acceptance.
  16. Waking up with the evil plague. 
  17. Realizing that the entire family has woken up with the evil plague.
  18. Reverting to denial.
Back in from the cold.
I'm pleased to report that service is back up. And the evil plague has passed. The memory of our primitive cousins is fading. 

Thank goodness. 

In sum, life BI was a bit rubbish, but pretty awesome when it worked. Kind of like now. 

I have nothing so kind to say about my research sponsors. 


  1. A whole week! I don't think I'd cope. Well done for getting through it :) x

  2. It was dire...we nearly - shudder - started playing board games.

  3. Oh my, I don't think I could cope without Internet for 2 days - never mind a whole week. Bravo for coping with it (just) and hurrah for being back online x

  4. Thanks Heather :) A little more therapy and the PTSD nightmares may stop...

  5. A whole week,blimey i would of gone insane... It's bad enough staying at places now that have internet but no wifi...

  6. Thanks FP - you're right, I still have a twitch...hopefully a few more therapy sessions will sort that out ;)

  7. Oh dear, 16 doesn't sound too good! Hope you are all feeling better! Emma :)

  8. Thanks Emma, we have mostly recovered now, though are still feeling quite sorry for ourselves ;)

  9. I known - crazy right? I don't know how I survived.