Saturday, 15 January 2011

Deceptively spacious rain gods

Dear rain gods,

Stop it already. I know you invest heavily in Wellington boot production and clinical depression, but give us a break. Why don't you go on holiday to my eternally drought-stricken homeland?

How I wish you weren't here,



To the estate agents in my life,

Can we drop 'deceptively spacious' please? If I see that nonsensical phrase one more time I am going to spontaneously combust. And can we please let me be the judge of  'well appointed' and 'sought after location? I am not a turnipI can diagnose overpriced 70's carpet and crap house near an off-licence all by my little self.

Thank you for your linguistic consideration,



Dear Nana,

I've slept more in the past three days since you arrived than I did in the entire year before that. The giant crows foot atop my neck appears to be melting back into a human face. You can stay. Or rather, you're not allowed to go.




Dear Kat of 3 Bedroom Bungalow,

Thank you for delivering my letters through the So & So post. This is especially helpful at the moment, as Royal Mail still appears to be dealing with a huge Christmas backlog (it's the wrong kind of post).

I look forward to partaking in this fun weekly event again,



  1. You're right: we do have similar stress-points! There are websites/ books devoted to translating EstateAgentese into normal English, if memory serves. They're a Special People, they are...

  2. We share the same real-estate frustrations. I especially loved ads for houses "with own door." WTF??

  3. Good call JD, I must work on translating EstateAgentese into normalspeak for next time--perhaps babelfish can help me...

    Mid30s, I have seen that same nonsense about 'own door', and it nearly gave me an aneurysm. Also, is 'central heating' really so fancy that it needs to mentioned as a bonus feature?

  4. What brilliant letters. Don't let Nana go she sounds amazing your allowed to sleep oh bliss! xxx

  5. What great letters. I would keep Nana there all the time