Gremlin

Recently someone replaced my sweet little angel with a gremlin. Possibly a gremlin from another planet.

I first noticed something was wrong when the creature I thought was my child scaled a dining room table in a nanosecond and pelted me in the eyeball with an unripe avocado. Followed by a grapefruit. Having never previously been the victim of unripe fruit, I was unsure of the appropriate response. So I stood there like a lemon while the gremlin casually dismounted the table and proceeded to convert all household items into weaponry.

I think this gremlin may be in league with an evil government spy agency. It must be a poorly-funded evil government spy agency from a crap country as the gremlin only appears to have a primitive notion of local custom and language - for instance it seems to think 'NO!' is a polite form of greeting and an adequate response to instructions.

The gremlin has a horrible fascination with crisps - known as 'LULAS' in its native tongue - which led me to initially presume a Brazillian connection. It has repeatedly held the entire family to ransom for these. It can scale any surface, split eardrums with its screams of rage if interfered with, and assume a thrashing, gnashing protest at a moment's notice.

Short of a never-ending avalanche of LULAS, there appears to be no way to negotiate with it. I cannot suss the creature's motive, except perhaps world domination. I have no idea what the crap evil spy agency hopes to find in this house - perhaps lost piles of washing to fund a fledgling space program.

So should you happen to be a representative of the aforementioned crap evil government spy agency, would you please return my darling little cherub at your nearest convenience and remove your chaos agent. Call now and I will even throw in a pack of LULAS.