Tuesday 17 May 2011

Gremlin

Recently someone replaced my sweet little angel with a gremlin. Possibly a gremlin from another planet.

I first noticed something was wrong when the creature I thought was my child scaled a dining room table in a nanosecond and pelted me in the eyeball with an unripe avocado. Followed by a grapefruit. Having never previously been the victim of unripe fruit, I was unsure of the appropriate response. So I stood there like a lemon while the gremlin casually dismounted the table and proceeded to convert all household items into weaponry.

I think this gremlin may be in league with an evil government spy agency. It must be a poorly-funded evil government spy agency from a crap country as the gremlin only appears to have a primitive notion of local custom and language - for instance it seems to think 'NO!' is a polite form of greeting and an adequate response to instructions.

The gremlin has a horrible fascination with crisps - known as 'LULAS' in its native tongue - which led me to initially presume a Brazillian connection. It has repeatedly held the entire family to ransom for these. It can scale any surface, split eardrums with its screams of rage if interfered with, and assume a thrashing, gnashing protest at a moment's notice.

Short of a never-ending avalanche of LULAS, there appears to be no way to negotiate with it. I cannot suss the creature's motive, except perhaps world domination. I have no idea what the crap evil spy agency hopes to find in this house - perhaps lost piles of washing to fund a fledgling space program.

So should you happen to be a representative of the aforementioned crap evil government spy agency, would you please return my darling little cherub at your nearest convenience and remove your chaos agent. Call now and I will even throw in a pack of LULAS.

12 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about your drive-by fruiting... Hope Gremlin returns to cute fluffy thing soon! Emma :)

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  2. hilarious. although in reality, not hilarious at all - mine sometimes get taken over by aliens also - rather scary! good luck!

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  3. Hmmm. Did you perhaps feed creature after midnight?

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  4. Very amusing but I feel for you and your plight. I have a Gremlin in the building at least 5 times a week, but not always the same one. I left you a long droning message after your last message with some questions etc, if you can be bothered to go back....

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  5. Oh, I'm so sorry. I promise that it will only last approximately 18 more years, give or take, and they will start to respect you, or at least quit throwing fruit at you.

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  6. thank god, i thought it was only me with a gremlin. I have a climber, caught him on top a bookcase the other day!! Good luck with getting your little angel back

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  7. All I have to say is HAMMA. So happy you are back to posting!

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  8. Definitely a HAMMA-variety gremlin, oh woe...

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  9. this ia clearly an epidemic as I have the same issue

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  10. Yes my little one has had a gremlin appear fleetingly (though she is still young so it may be back with prolonged vengeance in a few months...) x

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  11. and they say children are born innocent.

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  12. hilarious. although in reality, not hilarious at all - mine sometimes get taken over by aliens also - rather scary! good luck!

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