Friday, 5 April 2013

Primary Kid's question time

"What does monster poo look like?"

It's a good question. Have you ever considered it?

Furthermore, goaded on by a five-year old, can you recall what jellyfish eat? Or what is saliva made of? Do vampires like steam baths? And what do you offer a zombie who shows up for tea?

Most parents know to fear the abstractions of "why," but I find our current phase of specific enquiry far more challenging. Like Alice in Wonderland, I am at constant risk of losing my head for the offense of being insufficiently surreal on my feet.

"The answer is clearly a bunch of crap." (PM's office)
Back to monster poo. What does it look like?

Me: "Maybe monsters don't need to poo. In place of bowels, they have really large, scary spleens."

Kid: "All living things eat, so all living things poo."

Nice one kid. Way to weaponize the potty training book from a past stage of tribulation.

Me: "Monster poo must look approximately like human poo, if we are dealing with roughly human-sized monsters."

Kid: "Monsters are much bigger than humans."

Me: "So like human poo, but huge?"

Kid is not amused. Draws finger slowly across throat.

Me: "Kid, I really don't know. I'm only an expert in zombie poo."

Kid: "Zombies don't need to poo. They are not living things."


Kid: "Why don't we go home and ask the internet?"

Oh dear. How to explain the dangers of this to a five-year old?


  1. Good thinking about the zombie poo ;) I had lots of questions related to dying on the cross.... I'd take monster poo instead any time. Surely it wasn't a woman who came with the concept of crucifixion, why is it me that has to explain it?

  2. Oh how I love the way that their minds work. Bibs told me today that daddy has a wellie (willy) and we have brötchens (family word for the corresponding lady part) to keep the air from coming out. Does she think that we are balloons? How to explain the dangers of keeping the air in to a 3 year old?

  3. Smart kid - people are a lot like balloons actually: fragile, expandable, frequently useless, and liable to fly off on a tangent at any moment.

  4. I think you are within your rights to refer all crucifixion-based questions to your nearest male crucifixion expert! Good luck with the questions - it's challenging, isn't it?