Saturday 22 January 2011

Toilet humour by way of apology

Potty training is the hellish process by which toddlers exact revenge on their parents for future ills. Somehow the Geneva Convention fails to mention potties. Perhaps as with childbirth, the frequency of this right of passage makes it seem somehow normal and okay. As a potty training survivor, I can confirm that it is not. That period in my life is a blur. I still don't like to talk about it...much. 

During my dark days in the potty training trenches, the trusty Auntie D lent me a lovely pull-the-tabs potty training book. The kind of delicate book that survives in a household with nice orderly children, not monsterdogs who use mauling to show affection. It didn't take long for some alterations to occur (see below). 

'And as a reward you can keep your other arm.' 
'Mum, I think I pushed too hard.'
Cat flees wreckage; limbs continue to drop at an alarming rate. 
I'm not even sure WHAT Ana ripped out in that last picturewhatever it was, it has long since dissappeared, likely eaten by its attacker. 

Auntie D: we officially apologise for maiming your book. However, since we had a floating head and arm handy, coupled with a sleep-deprived sense of depravity, we humbly submit the following potty story re-imaginings in compensation. 

Cat watches in abject horror. The storyline has taken a grim turn. 
Grotesque genetic experimentation gone potty.  
No. It is a human head. Cat pukes hairball in terror. 
Though I don't have a picture of it, one image sticks in my mind from the potty training days. On a dark stormy night when Ana was supposed to be tucked safely in bed upstairs, Papa and I suddenly heard her shrieking for help through the floorboards. We dashed to the rescue, ready to defend our precious girl from night pirates, monsters, ogres, demons, or whatever, armed with nothing but our bare hands and ritious anger. We smashed open her bedroom door, and there was Ana: crashing about her room with her potty stuck fast on her head, like an irate Pooh Bear caught in a honey pot. She'd snuck out of bed to try it on like a hatjust like all the good potty books all suggest.  Papa eased the hat off and calmed her down. We both tried not to laugh too much. 
Mutant flees mutilated book. Oh the humanity.  
Things have really improved since then. But we are due another dose of potty training in a bit over a year. So as they say to St Jude: pray for us

30 comments:

  1. We skipped the potty stage and went straight to the ladder with mini-toilet seat attached. It worked a treat!

    PS. Love the "revised edition" of the book!
    x

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  2. LOVE IT!!!!! Have shared on Twitter because it's so funny

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  3. Toilet training was a long time ago for me....apart from Smiley who will be in training for good! Lovely post and there's an award for you over at mine x

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  4. The book is much more fun your way :) Jen

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  5. How lovely, thanks Alison, so nice to find other potty survivors out there!

    Trish, great call, I think we need to invest in some ladder toilets...

    Thanks for the tag Blue Sky! I've written a horribly dull seven things in the previous post (for if you're ever having trouble sleeping): http://mananamama.blogspot.com/2011/01/seven-only-slightly-silly-things-about.html

    Thank you Jen - I feel like a slightly bad person for making light of an abused book - but I'm glad you enjoyed it!
    ~M

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  6. How it can all come back to me! Yes the dread of toilet training. Just when you think you have cracked it, it can revert back very quickly!I love the pictures in the book you have been using. :) Becky

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  7. I love the image of your daughter running around with a potty stuck to her head. Ah, that made my morning :)

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  8. My boys were toilet trained quite early, with the help of warm summer weather and a live-in grandmother. I can lend her for a few weeks if needed :)

    http://crankymonkeys.com/blog/potty-training-advice-for-americans/

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  9. LJB, please PLEASE send her on over, we'll take good care of her and be very nice, though we may forget to return her in a timely fashion :)

    Becky, sorry to bring back those dreaded toilet memories! Abby, I tend to keep that image in my head for blue mornings too...
    ~M

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  10. Brilliantly witty! Glad to forget those days!

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  11. Thanks Janna! Having done it thrice, you are officially a decorated veteran of the potty trenches--and yet you find it possible to forget the trauma of those days--that gives me much hope!

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  12. Haha! The genetic experimentation made me chortle out loud. :)

    We haven't started potty training here yet, but I have boys so I'm allowed to keep putting it off until they're 3, right?!

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  13. Thanks IP--I hear it gets easier the older they are, so I say put it off till 33 if you can get away with it!

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  14. This had me roaring with laughter - it's amazing. We've got potty training to look forward to this year...can I borrow the book? I promise to return all floating limbs ;-)

    Heather

    p.s. I thought I was following you but I'm not so I've corrected that one!

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  15. This is sooo hilarious I almost choked on my pop tart--yes I'm eating the lunch of champions LOL! Your sense of humor is awesome.

    I'm following from the hop.

    ecwrites.blogspot.com

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  16. This is sooo hilarious I almost choked on my pop tart--yes I'm eating the lunch of champions LOL! Your sense of humor is awesome.

    I'm following from the hop.

    ecwrites.blogspot.com

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  17. My boys were toilet trained quite early, with the help of warm summer weather and a live-in grandmother. I can lend her for a few weeks if needed :)

    http://crankymonkeys.com/blog/potty-training-advice-for-americans/

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  18. Toilet training was a long time ago for me....apart from Smiley who will be in training for good! Lovely post and there's an award for you over at mine x

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  19. Give me strength! We're not started yet. I'm hoping for one of those miraculously early and trouble free toilet trainers. There is always hope...

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  20. LOL I laughed all through that! I'm about to embark on potty training my 2.5yr old girl, and I'm pretty sure that by the time that's finished I'll have to start with my 13mnth old twin boys. Thank god we don't have a cat to emotionally scar!

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  21. Catherine Gilmore1 July 2011 at 19:02

    I don't have children so can't commiserate but that was hilarious- especially your adaptaion of the book! Have you sent it to the publisher to see if they'd do a new edition?

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  22. Thanks Catherine, there's a thought...somehow I suspect they would be rather annoyed with me :)

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  23. Commiserations and best of luck with it from a potty training veteran in arms! Good thing about the lack of cat - I agree ;)

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  24. You may get lucky...in which case your kiddie book collection may survive the experience in better shape than mine did!

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  25. THAT is hilarious. Love the the mutant cat creation and generally sick re-use of 'amputated' appendages.
    Nice meeting you via the rewind at the Fibro. Thanks for visiting me, following you right back.

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  26. Y'know, 'sick' is a word that really sums up this here blog quite nicely. May add that to the header...

    Pleasure to meet you at the fibro too :)

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  27. I'm sorry, but ON HER HEAD. I am laughing out loud in an empty house. I hated every single minute of potty training. Every. Minute.

    Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro.

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  28. Thanks Allison! After years of therapy, I am finally able to laugh at this incident too...I agree, potty training is total hell and then some.

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  29. I can't wait for you to publish your version of "Go the F**k to Sleep."

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  30. Am f*cking working on it as we speak. The swearing part anyway.

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